She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize