Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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