she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
