And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
