Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
