we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
