problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
