Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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