The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
