Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
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So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
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Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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