I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
