i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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