so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
