come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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