Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
