STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
