I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
