We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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