You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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