I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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