p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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