The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
