if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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