Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
