so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
