I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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