i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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