You smell like a Billy Joel song
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
