remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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