One girl and one boy is just not enough.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
