There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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