the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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