lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
