I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
