I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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