worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
