I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dear god my vagina.
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