saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
