apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
