Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
