he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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