Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
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