i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
