a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
