If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
