I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
