seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
