the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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