And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
