mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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