at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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