Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
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"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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