I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
