it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
