It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
