I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
