stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
