Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
